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Incarnation
Average

Hello Giovanni,

I can appreciate that this is a passionate write. The flow of the poem would be much better if you eliminated some of the commas here. I hope I don’t offend you if I rewrite this poem in a paragraph so it will be clearer in my mind:

‘The mind is like the womb of a beautiful, voluptuous and faithful woman who’s(whose) lord(Lord?) comes in faith, hope and love. He speaks tender words of encouragement, full of power and wisdom that enlightens and inspires. The creative action of life speaks the truth of the Incarnation.’

I would like that you expand on the theme of how the mind relates to the woman’s womb in metaphor and the meaning of “Incarnation”. Maybe this poem and it’s meaning would be better in a short prose piece, but that is my personal preference. I just wish that the soul of this writer could be more accessible to all. Hope this is helpful…

Macha
Comment Written 30-Apr-2009 by Macha

you replied on 30-Apr-2009
Macha, I appreciate your review. It is very helpful. Thank you. That you would take the time to review this so thoroughly is wonderful. I am not quite sure what you mean by your last statement, I just wish that the soul of this writer could be more accessible to all. giovanni

reply by Macha on 30-Apr-2009
Giovanni I can tell by this write that you have enormous depth and intelligence. Sometimes an ethereal write can fly over the heads of some. In order to be appreciated, the meaning must be clear. I can say this because I’ve written many things that aren’t understood. The purpose of writing, to me, is the connection that I can make with others. Oftentimes what is so clear to us leaves the reader scratching his/her head. Good for journal entries but not if we want the meaning to be shared…….M.

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Little Jack Squirrel
Excellent

A delightful poem. Who hasn’t seen Little Jack Squirrel sitting upon their lawn? I especially like the last word of the second and fourth phrases as the first word the third and fifth phrase. Enjoyable read.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2009 by dcervantes

you replied on 30-Apr-2009
Dcervantes, thank you for your review. Yes, they are scurrying little creatures. giovanni

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Little Jack Squirrel
Excellent

How true of squirrels and well-done by you. Having observed squirrel on my deck I know they quickly scoot away an instant before the shutter opens… Good job.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2009 by PatO

you replied on 30-Apr-2009
Thank you PatO for your review. I have several and they are a delight to watch. giovanni

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Odorous Dough
Excellent

You certainly did not need any kind of artwork for this one. I could taste that darn pie and I want some too. It’s only 6:45a.m. But that would be a good breakfast, it’s fruit. Great read, joan marie
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by joan marie

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
Joan marie it so good to hear you say that in writing. Those kinds of reactions are what I am looking for the ability to touch my readers. giovanni

reply by joan marie on 29-Apr-2009
I have about 30 replies so I will say you’re welcome for both of your works I enjoyed. jm

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A Small Ditty
Excellent

I just finished writing about the Seven Deady Sins. Ironic. My first read of the day is this. Very true words. joan marie
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by joan marie

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
Joan maria thanks to you once again. giovanni

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Odorous Dough
Excellent

Yes, I can remember my aunt making apple pie, apple sauce and lots of other treats. She had an apple tree too. This is a wonderful piece, full of memories.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by WRITER1

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
WRITER1 thank you for your review. I appreciate it. giovanni

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A Small Ditty
Excellent

God is Master of greatness, goodness, He is our Heavenly Father who made us and that is understood to be correct by many.

Honeytree.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by honeytree

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
Thank you Honeytree. You are correct; by many. giovanni

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Odorous Dough
Excellent

This makes me hungry. Yummy.

Playful and well phrased.

Not sure why you felt inspired to write of pie – but I can smell the dough rising.

Spag free yummies. Good enjambment.

With warm smiles, rd
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
Rama devi thank you for your review. I was at work and it was 10:00pm and I was craving pie. giovanni

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A Small Ditty
Excellent

I love the direct, simple and faithful import of this.

Nice pace and great word economy.

Diddi – did you mean ditty?

I liked this!

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 29-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 29-Apr-2009
Rama devi, yes I did. Thank you so very much. PEACE!

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Always
Excellent

Wow, this is a very deep piece that I enjoyed reading. I particulary like the clever expression of your last two couplets. Very nice work.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2009 by pilarblue

you replied on 24-Apr-2009
Thank you for your review pilarblue. giovanni

Always
Excellent

You have written the best imagery/description of tears/weeping/crying that I can recall in recent memory. I like the couplet form for this poem, it works well. The contrast of visible wounds vs. those unseen is very well-placed and well done. Applause! Sorry, no sixes left this week.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2009 by photopoet

you replied on 24-Apr-2009
Photopoet, I don’t need a 6 your comments inspire me. Thank you for your review, giovanni.

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Always
Excellent

Very unusual structure and style to this poem. I love to see different ways of writing poetry and you have succeded for me. Love the simile “Like gushing geysers.” Excellent poetic technique with sibolence and assonance in strong abundance. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2009 by Sissy Belinda Amy

you replied on 24-Apr-2009
Think you Sissy Belinda Amy for your marvelous critiqe. I have never taken a poetry class and don’t know the nomenclature. I really appreciate it.

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Always
Excellent

giovannimariatommaso – This is a very touching love poem asking the essential questions and responding with positives. Well done and I enjoyed it. Charlie
Comment Written 24-Apr-2009 by chaswriter

you replied on 24-Apr-2009
Charlie you are very gracious. Thank you for your review.giovanni

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What Matters?
Excellent

A little bit cryptic, but poetically powerful piece of work, very well done Good insights, and poetic flow, very enjoyable, There were no errors. No typos and nothing to change as far as i can see. I look forward to your next One ,Alexander QQ…
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by BORN n BRQQKLYN

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Alexander, thank you for your comment. I was in New York, Manhattan over the school spring break but I never got to Brooklyn. Loved the stay so much to do and see. Ciao, giovanni

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What Matters?
Excellent

Charming reflection on life and inner peace.

Especially liked your closing lines:
That only He can give that shatters repetitious
thoughts that vie for worried attention. Release

Is felt with the smell of the approaching summer air,
I reach for my cup not looking, crash . . . Matters?

I have found that most things don’t “matter”.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by words

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Thank you words, I appreciate your review.

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What Matters?
Excellent

Excellent poem great job with the poetry and the sense of giving it up to God . Excellent poem and a pleasure to read and review.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by bozroz

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Bozroz thank you very much for your review.

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Sweet Relief
Excellent

A little bit cryptic, but poetically powerful piece of work, very well done Good insights, and poetic flow, very enjoyable, There were no errors. No typos and nothing to change as far as i can see. I look forward to your next One ,Alexander QQ…
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by BORN n BRQQKLYN

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Alexander, thank you for your review. I was in New York during the school spring break but never got to Brooklyn. I am assuming that your name refers to Brooklyn. Ciao

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Sweet Relief
Excellent

Nice description of a mundane and, to some, distateful process. The title earns the stars in this one. I applaud your willingness to experiment.
Robert
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by RG Hamilton

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Thank you RG Hamilton for your review, it is very positive.

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Sweet Relief
Excellent

I like this. You’ve taken a subject that most people would never think about using in poetry and made it work. The description is vivid and exact. Good job. Dee
Comment Written 23-Apr-2009 by DBaugher

you replied on 23-Apr-2009
Dee, thank you for your review. I appreciate your comment.

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My Butterfly
Excellent

this piece is a kind of romantic piece of free flowing fancy. I enjoyed reading this light verse on a romantic note. It was well written and a pleasure to have reviewed… John
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by Kingsland

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
John, thank you for your review. It is appreciated.

Slightly Cured
Excellent

I don’t usually review these ultra short poetic formats. But I liked the thought you presented in this short poetic piece. I have nothing to suggest for it as it seems just fine as written.This was my pleasure to have read and reviewed it… John
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by Kingsland

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
Thank you once again. It was an exercise that I thought I would try in order to get the thoughts flowing.

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My Butterfly
Excellent

Good tone and pace to suit the theme. I felt the butterfly movements in the motion of your words.

Well done. Simple and succinct.

I find nothing to fix or change.

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
Rama devi thank you for your nice review.

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Slightly Cured
Excellent

Interesting and humorous. A witty lanturne. True to form and amusing. I find nothing to fix or change.

Made me smile.

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
Thank you once again. It is wonderful when one can create a simple thing to cause a simple joy.

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5 nominees left
0 days left.
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My Butterfly
Excellent

Our thoughts and dreams no matter what we dream of or create within our mind, can be very loving as in the case of this butterfly.
Yes I hope she will love someone again, and that someone loves
this butterfly like I did.

Honeytree
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by honeytree

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
Honeytree, thank you for your thoughtful review. giovanni

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Slightly Cured
Excellent

I liked the likeness of the moon written within these words.

I felt the words written here were very creative.

Honeytree.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2009 by honeytree

you replied on 11-Apr-2009
Once again thank you honeytree for your review.

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Moon
Excellent

Exactly how the moon is. Out there in the sky are many mysteries to solve about our earth and the galaxy and beyond.

Honeytree.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by honeytree

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Honeytree, thank you for your review.

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Car
Good

I love your name – that’s what brought me to this poem. Whenever I review poetry I quickly admit I’m not savvy to it, so maybe I’m missing something. Stringing descriptive words together with no thought to rhyme (2 words rhyme) or rhythm seems to me like a good start, not a finish. So I’d say you’re off to a good start, but needs work, which I believe is what four stars means. JB
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by Jack Burbank

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Thanks JB. This was an exercise that I thought I would try. It’s good to get the thought processes moving. I found it fairly fun. Thanks for the comment on my name. giovanni

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Moon
Good

I believe that our lives are spiritually tied to the moon. You covered all her phases. I found no nits/spag. I think it would have been had a more powerful statement is you had added some expression of emotion;what the moon makes you feel. A picture would have added something too. Just a suggestion.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by kidwrit

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Very good suggestions kidwrit. I am in the phase of attempting new areas of poetry that I really didn’t know existed. Only lately have I considered myself able to write anything worthwhile. giovanni

reply by kidwrit on 10-Apr-2009
Good Luck

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Car
Excellent

I thought this to be an amusing poem in that it is a collection of verbs explaining a car’s movements. The shape of the poem is almost in the shape of a car. It scans well and has no illusions as to what is being said. One could write a whole collection of poems based on the same format. Keith.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by creativewriterUK

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Thank you creativewriterUK for your review. As an exercise I found this to be pretty exacting. It is good to help the brain unstagnate. giovanni

reply by creativewriterUK on 10-Apr-2009
You are very welcome, keep up the good work. Keith

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Moon
Good

Again, this is very descriptive of the moon, but the overuse of synonymous gerunds (ing words) weakens the work. It is possible that I do not understand the purpose of this form, and I will look it up to assure that I am rating you fairly, but I think this would be improved with less lists of synonyms.

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Rama devi, I attempted to follow the exercise as it was stated on Shadowpoetry.com. I found it to be exacting and challenging. Thank you for your review, I do appreciate it.

Car
Excellent

Second review

Sorry for the original review, as I was not remembering the rules of this form.

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Original review
(Three stars)
Though the words are aptly descriptive, I think the use of too many adverbs (’ly’ words) and gerunds (’ing’ words) weakens the impact of this form.

Also, many of the words mean the same thing. This comes accross as a list of adjectives.

It might be a good idea to post the description of this form in your author’s notes for the benefit of reviewers unfamiliar with this form.

Let me know if you make edits. I would be glad to re-review.

Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 10-Apr-2009 by rama devi

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Ok, I will attempt to rewrite. I may not be following the directions correctly. http://www.shadowpoetry.com/
Diamante
A Diamante is a seven-lined contrast poem set up in a diamond shape. The first line begins with a
noun/subject, and second line contains two adjectives that describe the beginning noun. The third line
contains three words ending in -ing relating to the noun/subject. The forth line contains two words that
describe the noun/subject and two that describe the closing synonym/antonym. If using an antonym for
the ending, this is where the shift should occur. In the fifth line are three more -ing words describing
the ending antonym/synonym, and the sixth are two more adjectives describing the ending
antonym/synonym. The last line ends with the first noun’s antonym or synonym.

To make it a bit simpler, here is a diagram.

Line 1: Noun or subject
Line 2: Two Adjectives describing the first noun/subject
Line 3: Three -ing words describing the first noun/subject
Line 4: Four words: two about the first noun/subject, two about the antonym/synonym
Line 5: Three -ing words about the antonym/synonym
Line 6: Two adjectives describing the antonym/synonym
Line 7: Antonym/synonym for the subject

Example #1:
Rain
humid, damp
refreshing, dripping, splattering
wet, slippery, cold, slushy
sliding, melting, freezing
frigid, icy
Snow

Copyright ?© 2000 Marie Summers

Example #2:

Kitten
cute, soft
purring, clawing, pouncing
playful, fur, fun, feline
pawing, licking, loving
bright-eyed, beautiful
Cat

Copyright ?© 2000 Marie Summers

reply by rama devi on 10-Apr-2009
I appreciate your gracious response. Thank you for sharing the form description. I will upgrade the rating, because it seems to me the feedback i gave you does not apply, since the ing words are part of the form. i guess i do not really appreciate this form. LOL Sorry for not looking it up before reviewing.

Actually, that is why it is best to post the form desription with author’s notes.

Warm Regards,
rama devi

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Don’t think anything of it. I’m not entirely sure that I appreciate the form either; however, as an exercise, it mind moving. Thank you for your follow through. giovanni

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Example
Excellent

Maybe I am like that too. We all have the hypocrite syndrome. The trouble is that nowadays we went to the other extreme ie do all the bad you like so you won’t be classified as a hypocrite. I think the most important thing is to be sincere and admit that we are all sinners, without of course succumbing to sin without resistance. Good poem which makes us meditate on our fragility. Why is breathe written with the final e. Should it be breath? Thanks for the poem. Ciao from ickajopat.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by ickajopat

you replied on 10-Apr-2009
Certo! Grazie. I love it when these things are caught. You can stare at something and see it in the mind as right even though the verbage and spelling on the paper is bonkers wrong. Thank you for your review and for finding what needed to be corrected. giovanni

reply by ickajopat on 10-Apr-2009
Same here. I took your advice and changed and with as in my sonnet, as you suggested. You are very clever. Thanks for your help. Saluti da ickajopat.

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Silent Soldier
Excellent

the imagery is so good that one feels as though they are standing beside the soldier. Check the first word of the last line, I believe the spelling needs adjusting. The flow takes one smoothly through the four lines of enjoyable poetry.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by oldefoggie

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Why you oldefoggie, thank you for your review from another oldefoggie, giovanni!

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
I checked the word and corrected it. Thank you very much.

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Example
Excellent

I think you did a great job on this one. It seems to me to be a poem on hippocricy. Change your own deeds first in order to change me. Very insightful. Well done- Sam
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by samstone1977

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Thank you samstone1977 for your review.

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Example
Excellent

a very interesting style you have here. This must be read with a slow and soothing pace so that you can feel the intensity within your well written words. great job with this poem…DKLRD
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by Dklrdmcches

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Thank you Dklrdmcches for your review. It is much appreciated. giovanni

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Example
Excellent

What a powerful little piece this is. A “do as I say, not as I do” expose of someone who is patronizing and probably controlling. Very well done. short, clever piece
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by Judian James

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Judian James, thank you for your review. giovanni

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Silent Soldier
Excellent

Whoa! Very interesting! Had to read it through twice just to swallow all that it implied. In just a few words you manged to say quite a lot. Historically significant or else I read into it. Liked it! Well done!
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by Treesaw

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Treesaw, thank you very much for your review.

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Silent Soldier
Excellent

This is a short poem, but follows no structured guidelines. The line Do flag me from the middle ages is akward. I think it would go better if you removed the word “do” and changed the tense.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2009 by samstone1977

you replied on 09-Apr-2009
Thank you samstone1977. I appreciate your feedback and allows me to see a different view of what I write.

reply by samstone1977 on 09-Apr-2009
Thank you for your very gracious response. Not everyone who gets a four responds with such class. It may not be appropriate to do so, but I am going to upgrade the rating based soley on this. – Sam

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Wild Car Ride Exercise
Good

I get that a three year old put the van in drive and crashed it, What I don;t get is why this is written out twice. Once in story form and then in poem form. Just a bit confusing.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2009 by Rottie

you replied on 05-Apr-2009
Sorry, I wasn’t attempting to be confusing. Simply an exercise in forms. Thank you for your review.

reply by Rottie on 05-Apr-2009
Thanks for the explanation. My fault!

Have a good day.

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Wild Car Ride Exercise
Excellent

Well, you told the tale well.

Of course, it opens the door for lots of questions. The main one…why is there no driver??

Agree with your closing line:
What a wild car ride. The best and greatest of fun! Wee…

Comment Written 04-Apr-2009 by words

you replied on 05-Apr-2009
Thank you for your review.

Wild Car Ride Exercise
Good

Effective verbs – Swaying, spouting, treshing. And I like the words that help us feel the ride: thud, jerk, thump. Also, good description. I can picture grey-blue van, cracked window, blue eyes twinkling. Are you talking ABOUT Johnny or TO Johnny. Try to decide and stick to it. Makes it easier for us to follow.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2009 by kiwigirl

you replied on 04-Apr-2009
Thanks for your review but where do you see the split. Should I start with Oh, Johnny as a totally different stanza?

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Awaken O, My Soul
Excellent

giovannimariatommaso – I enjoyed your poem and the message you send though I am not a fan of these types of wraparound poems. Interesting. Charlie
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by chaswriter

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you Charile for your review.

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Awaken O, My Soul
Excellent

That’s beautiful! I love, “Awaken, O, my soul to the eternal internal (nice internal rhyme) beauty of love…” Very profound and sincere. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by MsRefusenik

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review MsFefusenik.

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Awaken O, My Soul
Excellent

I love this call to conscience for those claiing to be faithful to the word. Wonderfully written with great flow. Your words truly are to be respected.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by raimie

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you raimie for your review.

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Silent Vision; Soul to Soul
Excellent

Hi and welcome to fanstory

well written; think genre should be romance; could not agree more with the last line. no corrections;
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by astrolite1

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review.

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Silent Vision; Soul to Soul
Excellent

giovannimariatommaso – This is a nice poem of Love reaching out to another. You express the feeling well. One comment is that I am not a big fan of wrap around lines. Charlie
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by chaswriter

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you Charlie, if you aren’t a fan and still appreciated the poem. I appreciate your review.

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Silent Vision; Soul to Soul
Excellent

A wonderful take on the feeling that love can be onesided. or maybe that one just does not evoke the same passion as another in relationship. Which does not always mean there is no love. Thought provoking and a real treat.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by raimie

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you raimie. I appreciate your review and insight.

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Silly Dance Without Romance
Excellent

I’m not exactly sure what it means, but it certainly sounds intense and passionate. It is always good to “Live by Faith”. Somewhat of a profound poem I think. Thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2009 by MsRefusenik

you replied on 19-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review.

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Sanity and Mercy
Average

Sorry! I thought it was a little preachy and quite clique. Your ideas were not really developed to where the reader can engage. Not enough foundation, too lofty.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2009 by esme

you replied on 18-Mar-2009
Kinda of sounds that way doesn’t it? That’s what is great about this site, it gives you the ability to get reactions to what you write and lets you think about them. There is always room for revision and improvement. Thank you esme for your review.

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Sanity and Mercy
Good

Your words are a riddle of sorts. Is what he believes the absolute truth? What if we believe something’s different?
Used too many that’s.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2009 by lola29

you replied on 18-Mar-2009
That is one interpretation and just as good as another. What is it that he believes and is it the truth? Thank you for your review.

Silly Dance Without Romance
Excellent

This poem has a whole lot going on and i tell you. i do like it. It’s so general in truly getting to the point it opens up all kinds of interpretations. Great job and the sing song flow is awesome.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2009 by raimie

you replied on 18-Mar-2009
Thank you raimie for your review.

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Silly Dance Without Romance
Good

I;m not what to say about this one except it shows alot of anger springled with hope that this person could stop taking people who care for granted and grow up. Close?
Comment Written 18-Mar-2009 by Rottie

you replied on 18-Mar-2009
Not anger as much as realization of what has been going on. Thanks for your review.

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Sanity and Mercy
Average

Your philosophical blurb is a smattering of random ideas that are undeveloped and speak to the abstract. You need to be more concrete. And, by the way, this is not poetry. This piece is prose.

I would suggest you work with an outline:
sanity – what do you mean?
mercy – what do you mean?
Absolute Truth – what do you mean?
“order of things” (things things things – what exactly?)
How do all the abstract terms tie together?
Comment Written 18-Mar-2009 by fayesh

you replied on 18-Mar-2009
Fayesh, that is what is great about this site. The ability to get feedback. Thank you for your review.

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5 nominees left
0 days left.
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Mundane
Excellent

Such a short yet very effective poem. I found this to hold a message many will be able to relate to. I have noticed no room for improvement.

The Rivaling Mimic
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by The Rivaling Mimic

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review.

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Neruda’s Plight
Excellent

Oh wow. I hadn’t read something about Basoalto since college, it certainly brings back memories. I like the message of the poem, it’s simple and very efficient, and the point comes accross perfectly.

Just a thought: put a link to Neruda’s Wikipedia page or something, for people that don’t know–or don’t remember–who he is.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by Atheen

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Good idea, thank you for your review.

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Mundane
Excellent

If something has become a burden, learn it’s dislike to make it move a little farther away from you.

Some very hard stuff lies buried in your poetic offers, my friend. Let me know if you need Sansone to say the “Bucko” part, okay? lol!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by Rottie

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Thanks for your review Rottie.

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Neruda’s Plight
Excellent

Okay, I searched him out and feel really dumb I did not know who he is. They say his 20 best poems were loves poems, I don’t like love poems very much because thay all sound the same, I will read a few of his and see if maybe…I have finally someone who gives love it’s due1

Thanks for writing this!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by Rottie

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Rottie did you ever see the Il Postino? This is about his story. His biography is great too.

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Neruda’s Plight
Average

This short poem that looks like two long sentences separated by a blank line is in need of a bit more substance to make it work.
What is to be in the heart of Pablo Neruda to feel the plight of indigenous peoples? Indigenous peoples is too broad. You have to cut it down a bit, to a particular group of indigenous people. For a book this would be fine. You can be as broad as you would like to be, for you have room to work with, but for a poem, unless you`re writing an epic, it is too much to handle.
The same goes for the mind of Neruda. Explain why so? Many people reading this poem have no idea who Neruda was or why you say that of him in relation to those peoples.
This poem could work this way: Combine the four lines into one stanza. Use another stanza to explain why the heart of Pablo Neruda. Another to tell about his mind, why so? And finally one or two stanzas to bring things to a close or wrap it up.
Try again!
luis
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by luisestable

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Those who know Pablo know his fight for the Chielian peoples. Also, Il Postino is a move about Pablo. Thank you for your review.

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Mundane
Excellent

A very interesting poem. I enjoyed the flow and the tone. You expressed the theme well. I like your word choice, it complements the tone.
Barbara
Comment Written 17-Mar-2009 by allborn66

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review.

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Gems and Jewels
Average

Huh! Huh! If you are writing a socio/political rant, focus your writing. You seem to be swirling in disconnected thoughts that sound like the “intelligentsia”, but have no substance. Either fulfill the metaphor of the gems in relation to your social comment or you remain like the hydra with too many heads filled with too many ideas and not one concise thought.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by fayesh

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
You are absolutely right and I appreciate your frank review. Thank you for the needed help fayesh.

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
Fayesh, can you take a look at this? Thank you giovanni.

GEMS AND JEWLS

From what cavities, crevices, or faults do
we gather our gems and jewels? I know not.

Yet the many that have been given to us, in
potential have always been for the taking.

Could we have seen beyond ourselves in this
Light away from our ego???s shores of what is

Considered ridicule and shame, what pride for
us to think that we are the only ones to suffer

Blame! O, desolate, parched and dusty minds
sweet vessels of the soul, mysterious facilities

Of the human spirit. Held to account by the Will,
and by our own will to the many headed hydra in

The disguise of Liberal Knowledge which can
deceive even the chosen few in the vortex of

A spiraling democracy of pitiful immolation.

reply by fayesh on 17-Mar-2009
I have taken the liberty of extending your metaphor of gems and jewels into the entire poem. My changes are in ( ). Try rewriting the poem with my changes to see the connected flow of ideas for future reference. F_

GEMS AND JEWLS

From what cavities, crevices, or faults do
we gather our gems and jewels (of society) I know not.

Yet the many that have been given to us, in
potential have always been for the taking (or otherwise lacking)

Could we have seen beyond (these semi-precious fools)
Light away from our ego???s shores of what is (no! no! DELETE)
(Nothing more than a reflection of our egos)

(Filled with) ridicule and shame, what pride for
us to think that we are the only ones (of value)

Blame! O, desolate, parched and dusty minds (no! no! delete)
sweet vessels of the soul, mysterious facilities (delete)

the human spirit(a diamond in the rough).
(holds) account (of our actions),
(guarded) by the many headed hydra of (conscience)

(to protect) the jewels of liberal knowledge which can
(redeem mankind from chasing dazzling democracy worth nothing)

reply from giovannimariatommaso on 16-Mar-2009

you replied on 17-Mar-2009
Thank you for taking the time. I will attempt to revise. giovanni

The Dark Wall
Good

Another cleverly written piece. Is ‘general poetry’ the right classification for these? I thought there were a few minor awkwardnesses – ‘I heard my name called out to me in a voice’ for example. How else? But a good job overall.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by monnow

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
Thank you monnow for your review.

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Gems and Jewels
Good

This is very cleverly and skillfully written. Unfortunately I thought the last verse fell flat both in its word choice and meter.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by monnow

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
You do have a point and I feel that I could work on these a bit more.

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The Dark Wall
Excellent

I love a poem I read and then want to read again. That is exactly what this poem did for me. I like the lines about the voice being one you didn’t recognize but was familiar. Interesting use of format and punctuation in this piece.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by lkatka

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
Thank you Ikatka for your review.

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The Dark Wall
Excellent

Very nice flow of words. I like that this took on a descending story while conveying a meaning and message. Good job; good read. L
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by Lillianna

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
Thank you Lillianna for your review.

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Gems and Jewels
Excellent

Wow. This poem is one I could read over and over again. I have already read it four times and understand something new a little each time. Thanks for the challenge. w
Comment Written 16-Mar-2009 by lkatka

you replied on 16-Mar-2009
Thank you Ikatka for your review, it is much appreciated.

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Rebirth; Renewal
Excellent

Nice job. I liked the imagery and the prose you chose to use for this piece. Every word felt important and I especially liked the ending..” no more a pilgrim wandering for Home..” That was beautiful
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by btferrar

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
Thank you btferrar I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.

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No Cure
Excellent

Liked it. Think, however, you should have titled it: Know It Alls

I believe this would have better positioned the poem.

And here I go myself now in the role of the “Know it all”.

Oh, what fun.

Good work!
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by words

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
Thank you for liking the poem. When someone can react and/or connect to a poem, then the poem has accomplished what it was meant to do.

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Rebirth; Renewal
Excellent

Good subject for the season of Lent.
Especially liked these lines:
Like precious gold all dross is burned,
And his sojourn is over in an instant.

Good job!
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by words

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
Thank you so much; you got it.

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No Cure
Excellent

I am wondering if you are referring to the reviews we get sometimes on FanStory where someone indicates something is wrong but doesn’t tell you how to fix it. You can’t be talking about doctors because they usually think they can cure almost anything by prescribing some high priced drug.
Anyway, you have written a nice little rhymed poem.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by BethShelby

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
No BethShelby this was written 35 or more years ago but I see how this could apply to reviews.

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Rebirth; Renewal
Excellent

This is a beautiful poem that expressed what it is like to attain salvation. I didn’t see anything that needed work. There were some words that didn’t have to be capitalized but I think maybe you capitalized them for emphasis.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by BethShelby

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review I appreciate your comments.

No Cure
Excellent

I think i really understood the message of this writing. It really made me think of my own life experiences. I could really related to it. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2009 by Sophiaalexandra

you replied on 15-Mar-2009
Thank you Sophiaalexandra for your review. I am glad that you were able to relate with the poem.

reply by Sophiaalexandra on 15-Mar-2009
you’re welcome. I hope you’ll consider buying my book Paranormal Agency by Sophia Alexandra. It’s available on amazon.com among other online retailers.

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Faith
Excellent

I had trouble following the logic of your thesis, but I enjoyed how you toyed with enjambment from start to finish. slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by rhymer1

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Rhymer1 I’ll have to reread the poem again and see where the hold up is. Thank you for your review, giovanni.

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Faith
Excellent

Keeping our life straight in the site of god is sometime very hard for us. But we just have to keep plugging at it. No need for revision.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by WRITER1

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review Writer1.

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Faith
Excellent

A great write. Great structure and form. The language is really pretty and lovely. Terrific expression of faith. Well done, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by tammipratt

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Thank you tammipratt. It is good when the expressed thought connects. Thank you for your review.

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Faith
Excellent

giovannimariatommaso – Nicely written about one’s faith and spirit, and how it impacts one’s soul in this life. Well done and good like. Charlie
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by chaswriter

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Thank you Charlie I appreciate your review and encouragement.

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A Whole Life Lived
Excellent

Great reflection on the passages of life. Somehow the older I get the more I realize the importance of living each day to the fullest and not wasting much time with regrets.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by Jean Lutz

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Boy, that is for sure. Thank you for your review.

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A Whole Life Lived
Excellent

Good writing about not dwelling on negative feelings and focusing on the happy times and good feelings, you intertwine well these feelings in this piece of writing, good work.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by mermaids

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Mermaids, thank you for your review. Glad you enjoyed it.

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A Whole Life Lived
Excellent

Wow. This piece is very nicely written. MY favorite line : “Must we passively resign to Death’s ” Very nice work, I enjoyed it very much.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2009 by pilarblue

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Thank you for enjoying the poem, it is much appreciated.

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De-Hypnotized
Excellent

I like the approach and style you presented this.
A new kind of introspection; and works very well
here. What stood out to me was the very important
truth many of us overlook because we are too into
ourselves and about ourselves…”You are a vessel
to be filled and at times set aside..to be emptied
of the dregs while keeping..The fermented seed alive”
Terrific write. Glad you shared it.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by Ronni

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Thank you Ronni, I appreciate your review. Glad you liked the poem.

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De-Hypnotized
Excellent

I love this poem! It is as though you buried yourself within the “poetic” soul and answered our most
urgent appeal. Just wonderful.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by Gaea5034

you replied on 14-Mar-2009
Gaea5034, thank you for your review.

De-Hypnotized
Excellent

An excellent commentary on the path to truth and understanding that we will never understand either truth, understanding or life. simple acceptance is wisdom. Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by rhymer1

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Slainte, rhymer1, you are right every time. Thank you for your reviews. giovanni

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De-Hypnotized
Excellent

All I can say about this is—great job!
Poem brings the subject matter though the process skillfully, creatively.
Cannot see anything i would change
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by SoulSong

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Thank you SoulSong for your review. Thank you for enjoying my poetry.

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Inauguration Day
Good

Title of the poem leads one to believe it will be about something else—although I think your birthday may very well be on inauguration day. (?)
Line 3 drop “had”

that’s how it goes
I’m living proof
before you know it
God works His wonders—Etc
these words often heard and could be more creatively (poetically)stated.
However—this is a good piece of reelection on a time honored issue—growing older and wiser which comes though nicely.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by SoulSong

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review. A typo; should be bad. Thanks.

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Inauguration Day
Excellent

I love this poem, I can relate to the outliving doctors expectations. My doctors told my parents I’d never walk or talk again, but by the grace of God I did the London Marathon in 2004. I don’t know what life holds in the future but I’ve made it this far and only God knows, His plans and His plans are good. Your poem really blessed me. God bless. Helene
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by dreamoutloud

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Well, Helene, I appreciate your review. Good for you doing the London Marathon. I thank it is fantastic and God bless you.

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Inauguration Day
Excellent

This is true. Time does go by fast and a lot more so for older people than it does for children. I do remember when I thought 50 was old and 70 was ancient. I’m not sure what the poem had to do with Inauguration Day. I thought it was going to be something political. I guess that is when you wrote it.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by BethShelby

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review. I guess I wrote it because I believed that I could write and felt that I was inaugurated as a poet.

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Inauguration Day
Excellent

This almost read like prose but then again it could just be me. I liked the process of the thought and can think of no way to improve it.

The Rivaling Mimic
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by The Rivaling Mimic

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Thank you for your review.

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Inauguration Day
Excellent

This is a really interesting and well written poem about a simple topic. I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by Sophiaalexandra

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
Thank you Sophiaalexandra for your nice comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

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Inauguration Day
Excellent

Life does move on in mysterious ways. In the later years we begin to do a lot of looking back, you know, when we get old. (anything past 30).
Comment Written 13-Mar-2009 by Nightwind1

you replied on 13-Mar-2009
You are right. I well remember 30; however, 50 was excellent for me and that is when I really felt that I could express through poetry. Thank you for your review.

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Learning, an AWE Experience
Excellent

Very well done and very much enjoyed very inspirational well done my friend, There were no errors. No typo’s and nothing to change as far as i can see. I look forward to your next one..
Comment Written 12-Mar-2009 by BORN n BRQQKLYN

you replied on 12-Mar-2009
Thank you very much BORN n BRQQKLYN. i AM VERY GLAD YOU LIKED IT.

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Rose Marie
Excellent

Very well done and very much enjoyed awesomely inspiration well done my friend, There were no errors. No typo’s and nothing to change as far as i can see. I look forward to your next one..
Comment Written 12-Mar-2009 by BORN n BRQQKLYN

you replied on 12-Mar-2009
Thank you for this review.

Learning, an AWE Experience
Excellent

This is a fascinating poem. I love your word choice, it makes it quite vibrant. It has an awesome flow to it, and I like the theme.
Barbara
Comment Written 12-Mar-2009 by allborn66

you replied on 12-Mar-2009
Thank you so much Barbars I appreciate your kind words, I am glad that you liked the poem.

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Learning, an AWE Experience
Excellent

This is pretty heavy to really glean. Sounds like you are a philosophical writer rather then general.

I think you need to change that in your program. It will make a difference if you put the correct category on it.

Best wishes, with this poem.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2009 by Cher Cosette

you replied on 12-Mar-2009
Well, I am not sure about the philosophical; I just write as I feel and think from the ups and downs of life’s mysteries. Thank you for your review and I am glad that you liked it.

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You can view my latest poems on FanStory.com.